Actually, just the other day, I recieved herpes from my roomate's girlfriend! She's promising it to me since X-Mas, but only just delivered on her claim.
Isn't he just fucking adorable?!?!
Anyway, on to the real point of my shocking title for this post. I'm a performer and an actor. I just finished wrapping my first independent film, and perform magic shows in my town. I'm writing stand-up comedy right now, and have high hopes for all types of performance in the future.
So I want herpes.
Not literally, of course, but I want to play "Herpes' Sufferer #3" in a Valtrex commercial. "Why on earth would you want to be on TV claiming your crotch is infected, and likely to bubble on any female who touches it?" I hear you ask your computer screens. Well, let me tell you.
First off, who the hell wouldn't love putting "Herpes Sufferer #3" on their acting resume? I would place it above all other acting jobs. Ever. "Oh, you'll notice right under 'Herpes Sufferer #3' I did a command performance of Waiting for Godot for the Queen with Morgan Freeman. Second best gig ever". Hell, I'd even put that on my normal resume. Imagine the impact you'll make with the 26 year old Kinko's manager when he reads of your drippy ballsac as you try to get that laminating position everyone so desparately wants. He'll never forget your face. Or the image he's conjured up of you disease ridden genitals. Priceless...
Second, those commercials make STDs look AWESOME!!! I never realized that if you had Herpes, and your lover didn't, you'd get to have a bar-b-que in the shore of Niagra falls while mountian biking, skiing, and kayaking, along with all those crazy little cartoon animals singing songs about condoms and anti-inflammatory creams to you! Herpes looks like it rocks!!!
And thirdly, and this is the one that I would do as often as possible, any time a girl in a bar, club, S&M Dungeon, or T.G.I. Fridays comes up to you and asks if you were the guy who was in the Valtrex commercial, you smile confidently and say yes. When she asks if you really have herpes, you let the tension build for a while, then cooly whisper into her ear, "It looks like I do, but I'm just that good of an actor..." See where the night takes you...
Valtrex, take note. E-mail me. I want to be in a commercial. That is all.
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